


finding god, and lose him too

by jenhrding



Series: slices of life [1]
Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, i promise the ending is nice, just one of my many jen hcs, tw mentions of miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29326377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenhrding/pseuds/jenhrding
Summary: “‘I don’t know… I know you don’t get it, I mean, you have two beautiful kids, but I don’t think I’ll ever recover from it.’‘Yeah,’ Jen whispers, ‘I never did.’”or, judy tells jen about her miscarriages but doesn’t know she’s also had one.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Series: slices of life [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2154111
Comments: 2
Kudos: 42





	finding god, and lose him too

**Author's Note:**

> ok so i haven’t written anything in months and this came out in like 30mins and its poorly corrected so im sorry in advance  
> its been a little quiet over here so i hope u enjoy  
> (title from “more” by halsey)

It’s cold in her room when Jen wakes up. The only thing that keeps her from falling back asleep is the feeling of emptiness to her side, where there’s usually a warm Judy on harder nights.

She isn’t sure what happened exactly, why Judy looked incredibly sad all day, but she knows that asking her to come up to bed was the best choice. The brunette got comfortable under the covers and fell asleep almost immediately, only asking Jen to keep an arm around her waist so she knew she wasn’t alone.

Now, she sits up and squints, trying to see if the bathroom light is on, or if she detects any movement in the room. When Jen realizes she’s alone she makes a move to get out of bed, but then hears a muffled “shit” coming from the balcony, so she stops and hears a low sound of a lawn chair being moved around, prompting her to follow it quickly.

Once she manages to open the heavy sliding door she sees Judy sitting under her green blanket, gripping the corner of it and staring out at the street. Then, Jen thinks about going back to bed and letting her be, but she can’t just leave her to her own misery, so she steps out onto the balcony and immediately gets a chill, the thin hairs on her bare arms rising due to the wind.

“Jude?”

The brunette whips her head around to look at Jen, and the older woman takes in her swollen nose and red eyes.

“Sweetie…”, she coos, squeezing on the chair next to her friend and wrapping an arm around her.

“Sorry if I woke you up, I didn’t mean to-“

“Hey, no, no. I woke up by myself.”, that makes Judy nod and she hesitates for a second before leaning her head on Jen’s chest. “Do you wanna tell me what happened?”

She shakes her head and says in a whisper, “you don’t have to listen.”

“I want to.”, Jen reassures. “Let me?”

Judy inhales deeply before starting, “it’s been a year… since, um…”

Jen only waits.

“Since my last baby died.”

It, honest to God, breaks her heart.

“Jude…”

She shakes her head again, “you don’t have to say anything.”

“Okay.”

“I just-“, Judy sighs, “I don’t know… I know you don’t get it, I mean, you have two beautiful kids, but I don’t think I’ll ever recover from it.”

“Yeah,” Jen whispers, “I never did.”

Judy sits up abruptly, “you what?”

“I never recovered from mine. Even with the boys it seemed like there was something missing.”

“Jen, _God_ , I had no idea.”, she sounds exasperated, so Jen places a comforting hand on her arm.

“It’s okay, really. You couldn’t have known.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t think that’s best for you.”, the blonde raises a hand and rests it on Judy’s cheek with a soft smile. “I‘ve been coping with it, but I think we should talk about something else. For your sake?”

“No, but I want to!”, Judy pouts. “If it’s okay with you.”

Jen shakes her head fondly, “you’re lucky you’re cute.”

The younger woman gasps quietly, “you think I’m cute?”

The other just rolls her eyes, “shut up, Hale.”, but she’s thankful for the small smile spread across her friend’s face.

“You big softie.”, Judy teases, poking Jen’s stomach.

Jen grips her hand as to stop her, “you want to hear my story or not?”

“Sorry, sorry.”, she goes back to resting her head on Jen’s chest. “Do tell.”

“Okay, um…”, she takes a calming breath, “Henry was about three when I got pregnant again, and I was about forty.”

Judy hums in understanding.

“I didn’t want another kid. I was sure that I couldn’t take care of it, especially since Ted was always hiding in that fucking guest house and, don’t get me wrong, he was a great dad, but he wasn’t the best with babies.”, she sighs. “I was the only one making money at that time so I couldn’t exactly leave work for another kid, and I thought about interrupting it many times.”

Jen feels as Judy shifts on top of her, the way her lungs fill after a hitched breath. She doesn’t say anything, though, just listens.

“And _then_ , I had an ultrasound.”, she smiles softly despite herself. “And there it was, that tiny, strong, 8 weeks old, heartbeat. So I couldn’t. I decided I’d have her.”

”You fell in love in that heartbeat.”, Judy says, recalling the day Jen asked her to move in. She grips one of her hands and turns to face her, eyes filled with so much love Jen almost wants to run away.

But she smiles painfully and goes on, “I never actually got to find out if it was a girl, I just had a feeling. And don’t get excited ‘cause I don’t believe in feelings.”

The brunette smiles at her pointed finger, then kisses the tip of it, “but you do…”

Jen rolls her eyes, sighs again, “anyway, if it was a girl, I was gonna give her my mom’s name, but she was about 12 weeks when I lost her. No bleeding, no pain, just no heartbeat anymore.”, she shrugs, trying — almost failing — to keep it together. “I had cramping afterwards so I couldn’t tell before. It was just a normal appointment, you know?”

Judy nods, “I had one like that. But I felt like something was wrong, I just couldn’t tell what.”

“Right.”

“It’s all that woo-woo shit.”, she tries to joke but it sounds painful to Jen’s ears, desperate, even.

Jen holds Judy’s face and pecks her lips once, then twice, and moves to kiss her wet cheeks.

It’s just one of those things they do but don’t talk about: sleep in the same bed, kiss in the dark of the night, co-parent the boys, share a house, accompany each other to work events; normal best friends behavior.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”, Judy whispers when Jen is done.

“I’m sorry you had to go through it five times.”, Jen says back to her, pulling her warm body closer.

“Do you ever feel guilty? ‘Cause I do. All the time.”

“Yeah, I was thinking of having an abortion, you know? Not that it wouldn’t have been a reasonable choice if I had, only I knew what I was going through at the time, but still, I wanted her, I guess, so I actually thought for a while that it was my fault she was gone.”

“It wasn’t.”

“I know that now.”, Jen reassures, then notices how Judy nods sadly. “Do you?”

“I try.”

Jen nods in understanding.

“Maybe we should go to therapy.”, Judy says, after a few minutes of silence.

Jen snorts weakly, “we really fucking should.”

“Do you think it ever ends?”

“I don’t think we ever get over something like that. We just learn to cope.”, she shrugs, then kisses the top of Judy’s head.

It’s probably been twenty minutes when Jen feels Judy’s head becoming heavy.

“Hey, come on, let’s get back to bed, huh?”

“Mhm.”, Judy agrees, but makes no movement to get up.

“Come on, Jude. It’s more comfortable in there.”

Before she says anything, she turns to Jen and stares into her green orbs.

“What?”

“I love you.”

Jen lets out a sound between a chuckle and a sigh, “I love you too.”

Judy grabs her face and presses their lips together, more intensely than ever before, pulls back and goes in again, as if she’s letting Jen know that _this_ is different, this one is something else.

“Let’s go.”, she says once it’s over, standing and holding Jen’s hand.

Under the covers, Jen holds Judy with an arm around her waist, Judy holds Jen’s hand under her own, and that green blanket lays over them like a protective bubble, like no demons from the past — or present — can ever get to them.


End file.
